The Tooth Fairy Failure

"Oh, Mom?" Emily said as she passed me in the hallway upstairs one recent Sunday morning, "The tooth fairy forgot to come get my tooth...again."

She was disappearing down the steps and just out of ear shot as I turned away, wincing and whispering, "OH DAMN IT!" through clenched teeth. I had failed my tooth fairy duty AGAIN!

I then called to her cheerfully, "Em, honey, the Easter bunny is the only one of those characters who consistently works on Sundays. The tooth fairy probably had today off."

"Or," she said, not bothering to hide her sarcasm, "You forgot to email her." With that, she hopped down the remaining steps and joyfully began her day.

We've never done Santa or or the Easter bunny with our kids, but they suffer not on these holidays. The kids get plenty for Christmas and probably fair better than most on Easter. Emily knew from the first lost tooth that there wasn't really a tooth fairy, even though I never explicitly told her so.

Maybe it's because of the lack of Santa and the Easter bunny in our lives, or maybe it was because even from the first tooth, the tooth fairy at our home has never been able to get it quite right. At least she showed up with the money for the first lost tooth, but even then, she forgot to take the lost tooth from under the pillow.

And you can't blame me...I mean, "her". I can't stand loose teeth or freshly fallen out teeth! They make my knees weak and my head swim. Even so, when a child comes to show me how her bloodied tooth is hanging from her gums with one stringy piece of tissue, I exclaim, "Oh my goodness! That is so exciting!" But don't EVER ask me to pull it out or to touch it, or to gaze at it for more than a half second. *Blech* The whole tooth losing process is absolutely gross. I even make my kids put their lost teeth in Ziploc baggies so that I don't have to touch them when making the money/tooth exchange.

I have had some impressive excuses for why the tooth fairy hasn't shown up. Then I learned a trick that Grandma R. used to do. She had five kids and couldn't possibly keep all those missing teeth straight. She'd hear the announcement the next morning that the tooth fairy didn't come take the tooth and leave money. She'd tell her kids she didn't believe it and would have to see for herself. She'd grab a couple coins and go back to the room, lift up the pillow to look under it, and then reach into the pillow to feel around inside. She'd release the coins so they would jingle a bit, then grab them up and pull them out.

I tried that the "tooth before last" and it worked beautifully. Emily had come into my room and woke me that morning and said, "Mom! You forgot to leave money for my tooth AGAIN!"

"What?" I asked, confused. "I thought I heard the tooth fairy in there last night. Are you sure?"

"Mom, I KNOW the tooth fairy is really you and you forgot AGAIN."

I just couldn't stand being such an epic tooth fairy failure. "Just a minute, Em. Let me throw on a sweatshirt and have a look myself." While finding a sweatshirt in my closet, I conveniently grabbed a secretive fistful of quarters and followed her back to her room where I pulled the "Grandma R." trick.

"Oh," said a relieved Emily, "Well, I didn't think to look INSIDE the pillow. You're supposed to leave the money UNDER the pillow, you know."

"The tooth fairy probably didn't want the money to fall behind your bed," I explained.

"I'm sorry I didn't believe you left the money, Mom."

"I forgive you, Em," I said, feeling simultaneously vindicated and guiltily fraudulent.

As a mom, there are some areas where I excel, and others where I fall short. I'll never be the tooth fairy that childhood dreams are made of. This is an area where I will most likely, despite my best efforts and intent, be one of history's greatest tooth fairy failures. Nevertheless, I believe I'm giving my children a true gift. One day they will get to tell their children about the horrible tooth fairy of their youth; and oh, the stories they will be able to tell!